Building secure relationships helps you move towards secure attachment. Photo by Matías Santana on Unsplash

You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

But in order to love yourself, you must be loved.

If you’re a trauma survivor who comes from a dysfunctional family, however, the above truth creates a paradox.

A paradox that can thankfully be solved via corrective emotional experiences.

Corrective Experiences: A Background

As much as I wish the above spin on the infamous “love yourself” quote is mine, it isn’t. I borrowed it from Dr. Kirk Honda, a Seattle-based psychologist and YouTuber who psychoanalyzes all the interpersonal dramas on 90-Day Fiancé.

To contextualize, Dr. Honda said it in response to common relationship behaviors he witnessed on the show, where several American contestants warned their foreign partners about their “defectiveness” or “unworthiness”. These beliefs, called schemas, were verbalized reflections of their owner’s inner emotional workings, rock bottom self-esteem and self-worth, likely born from a traumatic upbringing, adverse experiences in adulthood, or both.

According to Dr. Honda, self-love is a paradox: before you can love someone else, you must love yourself, but before you can love yourself, you must be loved. And to be loved, in the secure way you need, you must arrive to the dating scene with secure attachment, pre-obtained from a childhood in a functional, emotionally healthy family of origin.

Insecurely attached parents, such as those with Narcissistic personality disorder, however, create insecurely attached children, and insecurely attached children grow up into insecurely attached adults, adults who, without treatment, are destined to unconsciously repeat their childhood relationship dynamics again and again, by seeking familiar, albeit invalidating, love from an insecurely attached romantic partner.

Also according to Dr. Honda, a dysfunctional family of origin doesn’t have to mean you’re doomed to a lifetime of more complex trauma. Why, you ask? Because of corrective experiences.

What are corrective experiences and why are they important?

As a psychological concept that involves first-hand experience with something that challenges previously held false or distorted beliefs, corrective experiences are necessary ingredients for recovering from attachment traumas and building the self-love required to obtain a healthy, securely attached relationship.

For example, corrective experiences are commonly employed against phobias.

Imagine an arachnophobe who arrives in a therapist’s office, their fear of spiders born from a childhood brush with a brown recluse. Since the patient’s phobia interferes with life and relationships, the therapist helps them replace their negative schemas with positive ones via exposure therapy with jumping spiders.

“All spiders are evil” becomes “some spiders are poisonous and some are not, but poison alone does not a evil spider make”, thanks to corrective experiences.

When applied to attachment traumas, corrective experiences involve meaningful, sustained relationships with securely attached adults. And though corrective experiences can’t change painful past encounters, they can change your self-worth and affect the type of people you choose in the future, often for the better.

How to obtain corrective experiences: three ways

Platonic, not romantic, relationships are best for obtaining corrective emotional experiences. Photo by Josue Isai Ramos Figueroa on Unsplash

When looking to obtain corrective experiences for yourself, it’s easy to arrive at the obvious conclusion – just find them through a boyfriend or girlfriend.

And while romantic, dating is the last avenue I’d suggest for single trauma survivors, especially if you have an established pattern of entering dysfunctional relationships.

This is because, unless you’re extremely lucky, the road to finding true love is fraught with uncertainty and demoralizing encounters. And if you do manage to find someone, they’re almost guaranteed to possess an insecure attachment style.

Platonic relationships, however, are the perfect avenue for obtaining corrective experiences.

Here’s my top recommendations:

1. Therapy

I’ve championed therapy many times on this blog, and for good reason.

Because a long-term therapist-patient relationship, where you are validated, empathized with, and listened to by someone who won’t ghost you after three months, provides the secure foundation required to identify and, once found, build secure relationships in the wild.

For example, though it took a year for me to fully open up, I got my first taste of a stable relationship through bimonthly sessions with a mental health professional who specialized in trauma. My corrective experience with someone who modeled the trappings of secure attachment, such as emotional stability and reliability, helped me understand what to look for in friendship and love, and gave me the confidence to start saying “no” to anyone who wasn’t able to provide the security I need to thrive.

A follow-up article on how to find a trauma-informed therapist is on the content calendar for March 2021.

2. Mentors and Professional Authority Figures

Looking to obtain corrective experiences in the wild, but aren’t sure where to start? Try finding a mentor.

As an ideal option for trauma survivors with a year or more of therapy under their belts, mentors act as intermediaries, an interpersonal bridge between the controlled environment of a therapist’s office and the chaos of the general population. In addition to coming with built-in professional boundaries, a good mentor provides encouragement and advice, support that helps you feel a little less alone in your journey to secure attachment.

As another example, I gravitated towards educators in my teens and early 20s. My behavior, a response to interpersonal struggles with my peers, helped me find the acceptance and support I needed to successfully navigate college.

3. Hobby Communities

Making friends as an adult is hard. It’s even harder when you’re a trauma survivor, as additional care must be taken to avoid falling in with toxic friend circles.

Hobby communities, such as those centered around sports or partner dancing, are wonderful avenues for finding and making healthy friendships in adulthood. In addition to providing stability, where you’ll meet the same people over a long time period, hobby communities tend to hold their members accountable for their behavior, meaning you’re bound to encounter healthy interpersonal dynamics.

Regarding corrective experiences, hobby communities provide two benefits: renewed confidence as you master a new skill, and renewed self-worth, as you learn that you are indeed valuable and worthy of respectful treatment from others.

Corrective Emotional Experiences: The Key to Recovering from Attachment Trauma