The 5 Worst Things to Say to a Trauma Survivor
Photo by Fernando @cferdo on Unsplash
Thinking of saying these five things to someone with PTSD/ C-PTSD?
Think again.
1. “It’s all in your head.”
I made a tongue-in-cheek reference to this quote in my PTSD and the brain article, because technically, PTSD is all in your head. It is, after all, the psychological manifestation of miscommunication between your brain’s emotional and logical processing centers.
Facts, however, don’t take away the truth that the above quote is incredibly dismissive. Gaslight-y, even.
If you’re a trauma survivor with PTSD, know that despite the condition’s status as an invisible disability, PTSD is real. So real, that its history spans across centuries. And so common, that up to 60% of men and up to 50% of women experience at least one traumatic event in their lifetime.
2. “Just Get Over It.”
Since at its core, PTSD is about unprocessed trauma, all a survivor has to do is get over it. Just click your heels together and the trauma will disappear, right?
Wrong.
Six years after my nightmare year abroad, I’m still not “over it”. Though the worst of my PTSD symptoms are long behind me, the trauma still lives within. Flashbacks and night terrors still occasionally bubble up, especially in times of chronic stress or environments bearing sensory resemblance to my Black Sea host village.
When I say PTSD is for life, I mean it. It takes years to process, to make sense of trauma. A lifetime, in some cases, depending on the trauma’s duration and severity. Because just as there are many, many types of trauma, there are many, many reactions to it, reactions that never completely disappear.
3. “You’re Broken.”
This one’s a double-edged sword, applicable to comments from others and comments from ourselves.
Regardless of this quote’s source, however, PTSD has nothing to do with being “broken”.
PTSD is a normal and natural response to trauma, a miraculous survival mechanism with evolutionary roots. To me, PTSD is a testament to humanity’s resilience. To me, “broken” is an unfair moniker, a word rooted in age-old mental health stigmas, bearing insidious implications about a trauma survivor’s worth.
When self-applied, “broken” is just as nasty; it roots you in self-victimization, a headspace that is inconducive to obtaining the recovery you, and all trauma survivors, deserve.
4. “Just smoke weed/ take psychedelics/ do shadow work.”
While fun, essential oils, crystals, and tarot cards should not be used to treat or diagnose PTSD. Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve encountered praise for alternative medicine, get-well-quick schemes in the form of reiki sessions or wellness retreats in South America…
Though I’m not opposed to drug therapies, such as with MDMA, exotic PTSD treatments should only be undertaken with a qualified mental health professional’s supervision, in a controlled environment. The same can be said of holistic medicine, which should be approached with a healthy dose of skepticism.
There is no magic pill for PTSD, and the only way to treat it is by putting in the work, work that takes time, dedication, and patience. Sure, said work isn’t easy. And sure, ugly crying on a therapist’s couch is not as Instagramable as tantric sessions with a hot mental health “guru”.
But neither is surviving trauma and living with PTSD…
5. “You should read The Secret.”
Want to rustle my jimmies? Talk about The Law of Attraction, a belief system that reeks of victim-blame.
As another example, I boarded my one-way flight to Georgia with nothing but hope, hope that I’d find the life, the belonging, the visibility, America had denied me as a Black woman on the autism spectrum. My positive thoughts did nothing to repel the misfortune that came my way. Positive thoughts didn’t protect the other hope-filled volunteers who experienced the same either.
This might anger you, but the Law of Attraction is bullshit. It has no bearing in science, rational thought that is required to successfully process trauma and tackle PTSD. It’s a belief system reserved only for the privileged few who have never had to face adversity. It’s a defense mechanism, born from toxic positivity, designed to shield you from the pain of grasping a cruel reality –
Sometimes bad things happen to good people.
Sometimes for no reason at all.
Has anyone ever said the above things to you? What do you think we should tell trauma survivors instead?