6 Quarantine Beauty Secrets, According to an Unemployed Makeup Artist
Editor's Note
This post is satire. Please don't attempt any of the absurd things in this post.
Uncertain times.
The new normal.
We might disagree on how to describe the Coronavirus pandemic, but we can all agree that the world has changed. Makeup is (thankfully) still part of our brave new Covid-19 world, and the staff at Moon Emissary wondered how the advent of masks, social distancing, and ritual handwashing have altered beauty trends.
We sat 6-feet away from Sophie Delacroix, an unemployed makeup artist in New York City, and asked her to spill the hydroxychloroquine-laced tea behind beauty in the time of Rona.
Unemployed New York City makeup artist, Sophie Delacroix. Photo by Paige Muller on Unsplash
Read on for six golden rules for quarantine-proof makeup, skincare, and more!
Streamline Your Skincare
“Despite losing my job, this pandemic is a blessing in disguise,” says Sophie. “It’s forced me to rethink my skincare routine and trade overconsumption for minimalism.”
Thanks to mandatory mask requirements, Sophie no longer worries about prepping her entire face. “Quarantine women have mastered the art of streamlined skincare. By targeting specific areas of your face, you save time and your products last twice as long.”
Sophie starts her day by washing her face with Glossier’s Milky Jelly Cleanser – it’s a staple in her routine, as it removes impurities without stripping the skin. After patting her face with an organic cotton cloth, she applies a lightweight moisturizer and sunscreen to her forehead. While her skin soaks up the products, she begins fitting her mask.
“Don’t worry about treating the rest of your face. Your mask will cover it up.”
It’s All About the Eyes…
“Quarantine women appreciate the little things,” says Sophie. “Treat weekly outings to the grocery store as special occasions. Use them as the perfect opportunity to play up your eyes.”
Once you’ve properly fitted your mask, emphasize your peepers with a daytime smoky eye. Start with a wash of neutral shimmery eyeshadow across the lid – Sophie loves MAC’s Woodwinked, a universally flattering warm metallic golden brown. Follow-up with a swipe of brown eyeliner along your upper and lower lash line. If you’re feeling feisty, accent your eyeliner with a quick flick.
“The trick achieving that effortless I-stayed-up-all-night-to-submit-my-unemployment-application look is to smudge your liner with your finger. The messier, the better. Imperfection is perfection.”
…And Forehead
“Thanks to masks, foreheads are having a big beauty moment,” explains Sophie. “Showcase your forehead by diffusing blush along its highpoints. Set with a kiss of illuminating powder for a natural, lit-from-within glow.”
No Hair, Don’t Care
“This beauty secret might not be for everyone,” cautions Sophie as she brandishes a set of hair clippers. “Try shaving all your hair off. If you don’t like it, don’t worry because your hair will grow back.”
Researchers have found that Coronavirus particles can survive for days on surfaces. Minimize your risk of infection by eliminating the surface closest to you – your hair.
Make a Lasting Impression
Perfume is the quarantine woman’s secret weapon. Photo by Karly Jones on Unsplash
“Quarantine women don’t shy away from expressing their sensuality,” says Sophie. “Fragrance is the secret weapon in every quarantine girl’s beauty arsenal.”
Let your personality, mood, and sense of style influence your choice of perfume. Express yourself, but remember, less is more.
“I’m really into ‘Crisp Linen’ by Lysol right now. I always hit my pulse points with a few sprays from the can before heading out the door. I love wearing Lysol because you can smell great and sanitize yourself at the same time.”
Mind Over Matter
“Mental health is mental wealth,” Sophie says with a laugh. “Real quarantine women are always in control. They’re not ruled by their emotions and they never let the dismal state of the world get the best of them.”
Sophie is big fan of grounding exercises. Her personal favorite exercise is to purposefully expose herself to as much Coronavirus content as possible.
“I keep my television on 24-7. The death toll keeps climbing, but after a while you go completely numb. It’s great!”
